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Home/I Didn’t Know

I Didn’t Know

Confessions of a Special Needs Supermom

Seventeen and naive,
I wouldn’t have believed,
A decision – whatever
Would affect me forever.
 
My 17-year-old brain
Knew nothing of fatigue,
Autism, blindness,
Nor special needs.
 
 Eighteen-years-old
 Already a mama.
 I wouldn’t have thought
 There would be such drama.
 
 My 18-year-old brain,
 It didn’t know,
 A tiny baby girl 
 Would lead the way to go.
 
 At the hospital,
 In a small room we waited,
 While my tiny baby girl
 Was heavily sedated.
 
 Surgery was needed
 On my baby girl’s brain.
 I really didn’t know
 Life would never be the same.
 
 For the next few years
 In our home we learned much.
 Early Intervention goals,
 Therapy and such.
 
 When I was twenty
 The day I married,
 This sweet little girl
 Down the aisle was carried.
 
 My 20-year-old brain,
 Oh, I didn’t know,
 How profound it would be,
 How deep it would go.
 
 I didn’t know
 Even way back then,
 We would be carrying this girl
 Until who knows when.
 
 Then at twenty-two,
 A baby boy blessing.
 Life still seemed simple,
 I was not stressing.
 
 Almost twenty-four,
 Another baby girl blessing.
 The days became busy,
 Each one kept us guessing.
 
 I did not know,
 The impact on siblings. 
 Blindness and autism, 
 Focus never-ending.
 
 How do you choose,
 Whose needs come first?
 Which at each moment
 Needs you the worst.
 
 One blind, one chronic illness,
 One not thriving.
 How did the days become
 Just about surviving.
 
 Years of each day,
 Living moment to moment,
 Failing to meet all needs.
 Only, I didn’t know it.
 
 All through each day,
 Looking forward to bed,
 I still didn’t know
 The lifetime stress to dread.
 
 At thirty-six-years-old
 The kids were all teens.
 Life was still a challenge,
 And I had no dreams.
 
 After devoting those years,
 To everyone else,
 I was empty, I broke,
 And had to find myself.
 
 At thirty-seven-years-old,
 A family divide.
 My own house and college,
 A new life I tried.
 
 But I still had to focus,
 On that first baby girl.
 The one whose sweet head
 Is still full of curls.
 
 Intense planning,
 Meetings and evaluations,
 Endless ideas were discussed.
 She needed vocation.
 
 The light at the end of the tunnel,
 Just one more transition.
 Aging out was inevitable,
 It was soon graduation.
 
 I didn’t see,
 It all wouldn’t matter.
 I would end up carrying this girl
 For ever after.
 
 I hadn’t known, 
 What giving up meant.
 And now that I do
 My life feels spent.
 
 I didn’t know,
 ‘Alone’ would be theme. 
 How swallowed by this life
 Each day would seem.
 
 What I do know is
 Three blessings I was given,
 All gifts from God,
 My own pieces of heaven.
 
 And I haven’t forgotten,
 Endless smiles, joy, and laughter,
 Unconditional love,
 And Happiness ever after.
 
 
Autistic interpretations

 

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