When is it the blues and when is it depression?
Time will tell I guess. Sometimes the blues sneak up. Other times, there is an obvious ‘in your face’ reason. I have fought depression my whole life. It is one of those things I do not like to talk about. Being open about it really interferes with my ‘strong and tough’ persona.
A long time ago, I accepted that depression is a part of who I am. Awareness is key. Most of the time, my depression is very under control. The business and chaos in my life actually help much of the time. Staying busy with work helps. When I was working at the hospital as a nurse, there was not a spare moment to focus on anything except patient care.
Since changing to working from home, I have a little more time to think on other things. But mainly, the stimulation and focus on my contract work serves the same purpose of keeping my mind focused on positive things. Lately, I have been working, cooking as a side job, caregiving, redecorating, traveling, photographing, seed starting, garden prepping and, oh yeah, blogging. My mom is always worried about how much I have on my plate. My grandmother used to always comment on how much I would have going on at the same time and say she didn’t know how I did it.
But it helps. Being that busy helps focus the never-ending thought processes that I have going on. Always. Having all of those things going on forces me to focus on those specific tasks instead of how askew my life has been. Maybe by being busy with all those things I can sort of feel like I am fixing something, making progress on something. That is better than focusing on all of the things that I can’t fix, that stress me out, make me sad, and occasionally make me feel like a failure.
Today, and the last few days, I am working fewer hours. I am really thrown off by the lack of struggle to make every minute matter – to fit everything in. Although that gives me more time to do all of those other things I have going on, it gives me too much time to focus on the things I haven’t been able to fix. It gives me way too much time to worry about finances and my future. Some days, I wish I had it in me to just give up – to be conquered by adversity.
But I don’t have it in me. I am a fighter. I am stubborn, and contrary, and a rebel. I just need to give things a few days to play out.
I think this is just the blues. Time will tell I guess.
View from Mount LeConte. Photo by Nathan Vaughn
I try to explain to people about how ‘most’ days, autism and this life is simply “my life” and on I go, counting my blessings as I know there are people with so many more life issues than mine… then other days, I dwell on the sadness of what will never be, and allow myself to have the tears flow over how unfair it all feels at times. It’s all a part of the process. People say, “I don’t see how you do what you do,” and I let them know that they’d do the same thing if that is what life presented them. You just do. I’m no superhero. Just a mom, slogging along like the rest of the moms, with autism as my life challenge. Some days, I’m thankful that’s ALL I have to deal with when I see friends struggle with their kid’s issues. Puts everything in perspective (until the next day that I dwell a bit too much). XO
Thanks Jayne. You are right, of course. No superheroes, just doing what we’re supposed to do. I think for the most part, it’s not coping with the daily complexities that is so difficult since those become second nature. It’s the worry, fretting, and sadness about the big picture that takes more of a toll.
I understand this completely. I have learned to just be and I’m actually getting my groove and loving it. I even allow myself to stay in bed half the day on Sundays. So so good.
Good for you! Acknowledging and accepting that it just is…a win by itself for sure.