When Belief Runs Short, Sometimes it is Suffocating
Suffocating. That’s where I am today and it’s not a good place to be. It feels like wallowing. I am short on sleep and out of patience. But that’s just today.
In all of my lifelong advocacy and “she can do it” speeches, there is a crack. My hope is that most of the time, it is an invisible crack not seen by others. I have an image to maintain. For I am strong and tough – a pillar of strength.
That’s what it feels like. That crack is a weakness. When life gets too full, anxiety too high, and confidence too low, that crack expands enough to let doubt through. That damn, “I give up” tries to seep through that crack.
The fight: believe, give up, no, believe, sigh, give up. Days like today take all my strength. I don’t want to give up that belief I have always had.
That is how it feels when constantly failing and all the while trying to convince yourself to not give up. That’s how it feels being exhausted from a lack of sleep while trying to manage CONSTANT anxiety, constant questions, and providing never-ending reassurances that have to be reassured constantly. Yes, that.
What is IT? If I ‘give up’ what am I giving up? I have already given up my career as well as the idea of her being in a school, fitting into a program, or a having job.
Getting easier – Getting better
The belief that life will eventually get better – that it is not going to always be this stress filled, anxiety ridden, daily life that becomes so suffocating at times. That is what I am tempted to give up on days like this.
Moving forward, believing is imperative. I must believe. But, I don’t look at is as I must believe. I already believe. I still believe. That crack is just a crack, and a crack that WAS invisible until I started blogging. Now, my crack is visible to everyone (wait…hahaha – I ‘crack’ myself up) and sharing my weaknesses becomes easier and easier. I think sharing these feelings of weakness are important in helping others understand the daily stress and strain that caregivers face.
Is our autism journey never-ending? Yes! Always suffocating ? Absolutely not. The good ALWAYS outweighs the bad. Jess is a character, fun and entertaining. She is precious and a joy, not only to me but many others.
This is just one day, and this day will pass. The whole thing – her life, my life, and autism – it is an unfolding journey. I believe we are not supposed to know what is on the other end of our journey. If we did, would it be a journey?
Thank you for this very thoughtful post. I hear you.
Thank you 🙂
“I have an image to maintain. For I am strong and tough – a pillar of strength.”
This was the old me. Since my dad’s death almost a year ago, everything has shifted, and I must confess that I am handling things SO much better now that I can say, “I need…” and “I want…” instead of “Nope, I’m good… I’ve got this.” Thinking of you and sending knowing love today… XO
Thanks Jayne, I know you know!
Great, honest post, Val. It’s never easy to show our crack! 😉
Thanks, Becca! I’ve always had trouble showing my cRack, but I hope that getting more comfortable with it is a healthy thing.