When Belief Runs Short, Sometimes it is Suffocating

Suffocating. That’s where I am today and it’s not a good place to be. It feels like wallowing. I am short on sleep and out of patience. But that’s just today.

Truth

In all of my lifelong advocacy and “she can do it” speeches, there is a crack. My hope is that most of the time, it is an invisible crack not seen by others. I have an image to maintain. For I am strong and tough – a pillar of strength.

Weakness

That’s what it feels like. That crack is a weakness. When life gets too full, anxiety too high, and confidence too low, that crack expands enough to let doubt through. That damn, “I give up” tries to seep through that crack.

Tiring

The fight: believe, give up, no, believe, sigh, give up. Days like today take all my strength. I don’t want to give up that belief I have always had.

Suffocating

That is how it feels when constantly failing and all the while trying to convince yourself to not give up. That’s how it feels being exhausted from a lack of sleep while trying to manage CONSTANT anxiety, constant questions, and providing never-ending reassurances that have to be reassured constantly. Yes, that.

What

What is IT? If I ‘give up’ what am I giving up? I have already given up my career as well as the idea of her being in a school, fitting into a program, or a having job.

Getting easier – Getting better

The belief that life will eventually get better – that it is not going to always be this stress filled, anxiety ridden, daily life that becomes so suffocating at times. That is what I am tempted to give up on days like this.

Believe

Moving forward, believing is imperative. I must believe. But, I don’t look at is as I must believe. I already believe. I still believe. That crack is just a crack, and a crack that WAS invisible until I started blogging. Now, my crack is visible to everyone (wait…hahaha – I ‘crack’ myself up) and sharing my weaknesses becomes easier and easier. I think sharing these feelings of weakness are important  in helping others understand the daily stress and strain that caregivers face.

Is our autism journey never-ending? Yes! Always suffocating ? Absolutely not. The good ALWAYS outweighs the bad. Jess is a character, fun and entertaining. She is precious and a joy, not only to me but many others.

This is just one day, and this day will pass. The whole thing – her life, my life, and autism – it is an unfolding journey. I believe we are not supposed to know what is on the other end of our journey. If we did, would it be a journey?

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